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Sandra's Emotional Reactivity

Before I tell you how I helped Sandra, let me tell you a little more about her in order to illustrate the problem of emotional reactivity.  Sandra had a highly successful career as a saleswoman, although she often switched companies because of her emotional problems. 

A pattern emerged in each of her jobs. She'd lose her temper with "lazy" assistants who didn't measure up to her standards.  And yet, she lived in fear of others, like her boss, being harsh or critical of her - so much that her annual performance review brought on an anxiety attack. 

She especially had difficulties at home where she would often lose her temper at her kids, criticize her husband, or lock herself in her room to cry when she was upset.  Consequently, her family walked on egg shells around her for fear of upsetting her.  They treated her with kid gloves to avoid hurting her feelings and exacerbating tension in the home.

Emotional Detachment and Reactivity

Interestingly, people who appear to be very calm or rational can also can be reactive, overly sensitive, moody, and unstable.  Sometimes those with an apparent "cool head" are actually just overly detached from their feelings.  When they get into an emotionally difficult situation they too are liable to "lose it." 

For people like this, being calm, cool, and collected is their defense against emotional reactivity.  They've tried to "cut off" their emotional side.  The problem with this defense is not only that it hides underlying emotional reactivity, but also that it means not really living life at all.  Life without feelings is a black and white world.  Relationships without feeling are shallow and boring.  Decisions that don't take feelings into account are often bad ones.

Ironically, emotional reactors and those who are detached often hook up in marriage or friendship.  On the surface they appear to be so different, but inside - in their character structure, ability to set boundaries, and level of emotional maturity ­ they are quite similar.  Often, the cool head in the relationship is quick to blame the emotional reactor for their conflicts, but he or she is just as much a part of it.  The cool head's detachment is hurtful and avoids conflicts that need to be dealt with.  Then when he or she finally is drawn into a conflict his or her emotional reactivity may become an obvious problem too.

Are You Overreactive?

You probably identify, at least somewhat, with either Sandra or the calm, detached type that loses it periodically.  Most of us, if we're honest, have to admit that at times we can be reactive emotionally or use detachment as a defense against pain and conflict.  The problem is with extreme or frequent episodes of out of control emotion or being detached when you need to be emotionally involved and responsive. 

Of course, learning to better manage your feelings and reactions to people and situations begins with identifying your problem.  Consider how you handle your emotions.  Do you react in emotional extremes?  Are you prone to lose your temper or to become overcome with sudden floods of tears or panic? 

Or, are you on the other extreme?  Do you detach from people and situations because you're uncomfortable with pain or conflict? 

To better assess if you have a reactivity problem, take my self-test, Do You Overreact Emotionally?

H-A-L-T Before You Respond

What did Sandra learn to do to not overreact emotionally?  How can you learn to better manage your emotions?  Well, instead of being emotionally reactive you need to learn to be emotionally responsive. 

The key first step in this process is halting.  Back away from an escalating conflict.  Hold your tongue when you're about to lash out.  Don't answer an emotionally loaded question on the spot.  Wait to make an important decision.  Don't say or do anything until you take time to process your feelings.  Practice setting a boundary by saying, "I'll get back to you on that."  Or, "Let me think about it first."

This is especially important when you're under stress.  If you think about it, it's when you've been over-stressed that you're particularly vulnerable to a lapse of self-control and saying something hurtful or making a decision you regret or misusing alcohol, food, or something else.

So be prepared to H-A-L-T and to not say or do anything for awhile if you're:

• Hungry

• Angry

• Lonely (or hurt) 

• Tired (or under time pressure)

Halt and eat the meal you skipped, calm down if you're angry, don't isolate if you're lonely or hurt, and take a break if you've been overworking.  Obviously, if you're in two or more of those conditions at the same time then you're in an even more dangerous place and really need to halt! 

When you halt, you need to "contain" your feelings that are coming up.  Keep your feelings inside so that you don't escalate a conflict, rush an important decision, or say or do something that you'll regret later.  You want to hold onto these feelings until you can get the support you need to help you respond in a way that you'll feel good about.

Examples of How to HALT

For instance, let's say you've worked through your lunch hour and your boss calls, upset that you're not done with a project you're working on and starts pressuring your for an answer to a question related to that project.  You think you have an answer but you realize that you're over hungry and your angry at the way your boss is pressuring you.   If you don't watch yourself you might say something that would make things even worse with your boss.  So you halt and buy yourself the time you need to take care of your feelings and sort through your thoughts on the subject by saying something like, "I'm in the middle of something right now.  I'll get back to you on that before I leave today." 

Or, what if at the end of long and exhausting day your husband loses his temper at you and criticizes you for how you handled a problem with one of your kids?   If you're not careful you might react in anger and escalate the conflict between the two of you.  You're tired and you're upset that he didn't appreciate your efforts with your child and was so critical.  Time to halt.  Better to talk this issue through later when you're not so tired and upset.  You might say, "I'd like to talk with you about this situation later when I have more energy.  Can we talk in the morning about this?"

Or, if you're lonely and you find yourself thinking about food then halt.  Instead, of acting out of your loneliness by eating talk to a friend about how you feel.  Or sit down and write out your feelings in a journal or pray to God about how you feel.  It won't give you a quick sugar high or numb out your pain, but in the long run it'll be better for you.

Process Your Feelings

After you halt in an emotional situation then take time to feel your feelings about the situation you're in and to talk to someone you trust: about what's going on.  Talk to a friend.  Pray to God.  Schedule an appointment with a pastor or counselor.

You need support.  You're having more emotion than you can manage by yourself.  Or you need reliable input to make a good decision.  Or you need encouragement and accountability to not give into a temptation.  It's okay to need support!  Get the help you need to manage you're feelings by talking with someone you trust about how you feel.

Join in Caring for You

To get the most out of being listened to and cared for to it's important that you join in caring for yourself while you're being cared for.  To fully receive care you need to be self-accepting. 

Unfortunately, reactive people tend to be self-conscious about their emotional vulnerability and are embarrassed about how they feel and so they try to avoid their feelings.  They've judged themselves as "too sensitive" or "overly emotional," "weak," or "needy" and, therefore, they've denied or repressed their feelings.  Of course, like the beach ball that you hold underwater, inevitably the unwanted feelings will pop up in emotional outbursts, hurtful words, or foolish actions. 

So, instead of condemning yourself and denying your feelings and needs you need to practice good self-talk by saying affirming things to yourself like:

• "All my feelings are okay."

• "My needs are important too."

• "My spouse (friend or parent or God) likes who I am even though I have flaws."

The way to develop positive internal messages like these is to find support people who feel this way about you and then agree with them ­ again and again until it gets inside and overrides the negative tapes you recorded in the past.

Use Your Heart and Your Head

The goal of processing your feelings is to work at integrating your feeling and thinking.  In other words, don't just feel about your situation, but think about it too.  Then you'll be more ready to speak out calmly and act appropriately (see "Feel-Think-Do Triangle" below).  A lot of unnecessary conflicts and problems are avoided if you follow this simple rule: feel and think first before you speak or do.

If you feel and then act without thinking you're being impulsive or reactive and, more often then not, you'll hurt yourself or someone else.  If you think and then act without feeling then you're detaching and not dealing with something that you need to deal with.  But if you feel and think about something, put your heart and head together, then you're in sync with yourself and giving your best. 

The more your heart and mind are in communication and working together to support you the more effective you'll be in your relationships and in your work. 

Responding, Step-by-Step

Here's a step-by-step summary of what we've discussed.  In order to respond well (and not overreact) to an emotional situation that is volatile, calling for a big decision, or tempting you to act in a way that hurts you or someone else you need to follow these five steps.

1.    Halt at stress points and keep your feelings inside of you.

2.    Set a boundary by saying, "I need to think about this and then I'll get back to you."

3.    Talk through your feelings with a safe friend and with God.

4.    Join in the care you receive from others.

5.    Think about how you feel and feel about how you think.

Responding to situations by containing and then processing your feelings in this manner is so much more effective than impulsively reacting.  It takes time and practice and care to learn to respond rather than react so don't get down on yourself if it's a struggle for you.  Just keep working at it and keep seeking help with your feelings.

The Benefits

Being responsive rather than reactive will pay rich dividends for you and those in relationship with you.   It will help you make better decisions and get along better with others.  It'll help you accomplish more and earn other people's respect.  It'll help you develop more intimacy in your relationships.  It'll help you to stay out of compulsive behavior patters.

And it'll help you stay calm and confident when dealing with other people who overreact!

Dr. Bill Gaultiere is the Director of New Hope Crisis Counseling at the Crystal Cathedral and a Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com.