Louise S. Dunn M.Ed
CE Notes July 2008

I. Who Gets Lonely?

Loneliness is not something only some specific groups of people suffer from, but to which others are immune. It is not inherently about being alone, and it does not belong solely to the elderly, the disabled or the shy. In fact, it is one of the most common human feelings, but one which most of us deny having fiercely. Perhaps we deny it because, most experts’ articles seem to suggest, most people think that to be lonely you must be doing something wrong or have something wrong with you.

“In 1985, the General Social Survey (GSS) collected the first nationally representative data on the confidants with whom Americans discuss important matters. In the 2004 GSS the authors replicated those questions to assess social change in core network structures. The number of people saying there is no one with whom they discuss important matters nearly tripled... The modal respondent now reports having no confidant; the modal respondent in 1985 had three confidants. Both kin and non-kin confidants were lost in the past two decades, but the greater decrease of non-kin ties leads to more confidant networks centered on spouses and parents, with fewer contacts through voluntary associations and neighborhoods. …these shrinking networks reflect an important social change in America (June 2006 Sociological Review, Volume 71, Number 3, pp. 353-375(23) Authors: McPherson, Miller; Smith-Lovin, Lynn; Brashears, Matthew E.)

All of us have our own conceptions about what causes loneliness. Single people may assume married people never get lonely. Married people may assume only single people have the freedom to connect with many new and diverse people and never be lonely. Adults can’t imagine that children are lonely, while their children are sure their parents could never be. Congregations do not expect that the pastor of their church may be lonely, and the pastor may look out on the smiling faces on Sunday morning, and believe that all members of the congregation who choose to attend church regularly are not lonely, at least for that day.

II. What is Loneliness?
Loneliness is something which with we all are born and with which most of us will die. We enter the world confused, disconnected for the first time from our mother and the warmth of the womb. We may feel reconnected in her arms, but then grow lonely again as soon as we are placed in our own cradle. We will spend a great part of our life trying to regain the connection we once had before birth, even though not consciously recalled. Theologian Paul Tillich in his book “The Eternal Now” writes that “Being alive means being in a body—a body separated from all other bodies. And being separated means being alone. This is true of every creature, and it is more true of man than of any other creature. He is not only alone, he knows he is alone.” (Charles Scribner’s and Sons, New York, 1963.)
In addition, we are also born with what French philosopher Blaise Pascal (1623-1662, “Pensees”) called “a God-shaped void in the human being; a kind of longing which can only be filled by the Eternal.” This void or vacuum has been placed in us by our Heavenly Father; to draw us closer to Him. But we are wired to desire both spiritual and human connection. After all, God fashioned Eve from Adam’s rib when he realized “it was not good that the man should be alone.” He knew that His relationship with Adam, although still perfect at that time, would not be enough for Adam not to feel lonely. Adam needed both his human and divine connections.

Dick Innes, author and founder of ACTS, an international multi-church organization writes in an article posted on Gospel.com, “While our God-shape cup needs to be filled with the love of God, our people shaped cup needs to be filled with the love of people. If either of these cups is empty, life can feel void and meaningless. Then we seek to fill the void within and deaden the pain of our empty lives with things, endless activities, seeking approval, super busyness, illicit sex, alcohol, drugs, and stuff and more stuff…the fact is, God has created us for relationships both with himself and each other.”

So think for a moment when you have felt lonely. I know you have, or perhaps you are feeling lonely in your life now. Ask yourself are you only lonely when you are alone? Are you only lonely when you are with strangers? If married, are you ever lonely even when you are with your spouse? Parents, do you ever feel lonely when you are with your children? Think deeply. Is it that you are more lonely when alone, or that you have more time to realize that you are lonely? Are you filling the void with work and busyness, television, movies or volunteerism? Is the younger generation filling it with cell phones, iPods and playstation 2?

Many people easily deny that they are lonely because they never slow down long enough to let the pain catch up to them. They surround themselves with people and activities, and appear happy. Deep below the surface for many, however, is a deep feeling of isolation and disconnection. People often do not feel truly “known” or “understood.” Every so often someone who dies by suicide, shocks his or her friends and acquaintances who may say, “But he was so involved, so loved. Surely he was never lonely!”

III. Causes of Loneliness and Disconnection

So let’s examine some of the causes of loneliness. It makes sense that people who are alone all the time may experience loneliness more often than those surrounded by family and many friends; but this is not automatically true. Some people who spend great quantities of time alone feel a wonderful sense of solitude and may be much less lonely than those constantly surrounded by others. So what is the difference between loneliness and being alone?

The key difference between being alone and being lonely or isolated, is how we feel about or perceive our situation. We can feel alone in a crowd, or even surrounded by people whom we love. We can be alone and feel very filled up by the love of people who are not with us. Sometimes personality types have something to do with how we feel. Extroverts may feel less lonely when surrounded by many people and introverts may be more lonely in the midst of others; but it is the feeling of being connected to others or not that is critical to whether or not we feel lonely. Even a stranger, with whom we relate well on our first meeting, could a real connection with us. Have you ever met someone for the first time, and you find you can just talk for hours? There is some type of connection that allows you to open up heart to heart, and in that moment you probably did not feel lonely.

Some people, who are chronically lonely, may try too hard to fill their deep void with anyone they encounter. This, sadly, has the opposite effect they desire, driving off the other person. When someone is constantly wanting us to fill all of their social and emotional needs, we feel suffocated and confined very quickly. It may seem that no matter how much we try to give to the other, they cannot be satisfied, and eventually we back away out of a sense of our own self-preservation. The person then may become even more desperate and lonely than before we tried to be friends. This often happens to grown children whose lonely parents demand more and more of the child’s time. The pressure and demands of the child’s own life pull them away, often leaving a terrible feeling of guilt which can lead to resentment.

So what causes us to feel connected to or disconnected from others? There are several things, but we will focus on what I believe are the top six. First of all, we all have a need for true communication. We need to feel heard at a deep level, yet so many of our conversations tend to be superficial. We can be in the midst of friends, but if we are feeling disconnected or detached, loneliness can definitely be present. To really be heard means that the other person is listening with undivided attention. Think how seldom that happens today. In fact, we commend ourselves for our ability to multi-task, talking on the phone while doing laundry, cooking dinner and washing the dishes would not be uncommon. For the person on the other end of the phone, that kind of conversation may leave them feeling less valued, more detached and perhaps lonelier than before it took place. A conversation with someone who is really listening however, can form a deep sense of connection with the other.

Secondly, we need to feel understood by others. Often when people feel lonely it’s because we feel no one really understands our truth. This may be because we have not been able to share at a deep level, believing that what we have experienced is so unique to us that no one else could relate to it. We may feel guilty or ashamed, so keep the very information that would bind us to others, our wounds, sad feelings and failures, hidden away while we pretend all is well. This protective mask may actually cause others to not be able to see us, bringing about the opposite of what we are needing; real intimacy. As a result we may also have no one we can truly trust to hear our pain.

Trust is the third thing we need to have with others, and it is established when we feel that the other person sincerely cares about us and what we are going through. It also requires our belief that we will not be judged for what we are doing, feeling or saying. Lack of real trust in our relationships can keep us from really ever connecting. People often keep very deep and dark secrets for fear of being rejected by others. This is why when someone may seem to have many friends and be very loved; they can continue to feel very lonely at times.

Fourth we all need to feel a sense of value and meaning in our life and our relationships. This gives us a sense of “belonging.” So often I have heard elderly people say that they “no longer feel of any use to anyone.” We often see our value in the context of what we can do with or for others. If the others in our lives are all gone due to death, moving away or not communicating regularly, it is easy to begin to feel that our life here on earth no longer has any value. People in these circumstances may no longer feel that they “belong” anywhere or to anyone. Widows and widowers may feel disconnected from the couples who were their mutual friends. Parents may feel “in the way” of their children’s family and life. People who are severely disabled or constantly ill may feel this most acutely; even when they are surrounded by loved ones. They start to believe that they are a burden to those whom they love.

What I believe is the fifth cause of disconnection and loneliness is our culture’s constant busyness. Today most of us are busy all of the time. Even many retired people find there days filled with endless tasks. I often hear people wondering how they ever found time to work! Although being busy may at first give us a sense of purpose, being too busy often has the opposite effect. When we go and go, without time to process or connect with others, we can begin to feel very empty on the inside.

Even people doing meaningful work such as helping the homeless or working with orphaned children, may start to wonder if what they are doing has any purpose. We are so busy going on to our next activity; we never fully digest what we are doing. We do not take much time to ponder, pray or meditate about what God wants us to do next. We just race forward, feeling that there is never enough time to do all we need to do. We have little sense of accomplishment, because we can never get done all we set out to do. Worst of all, we have less and less time for our friends our families and most importantly, our prayer life. Many Americans do not even use up their annual vacation time, because they believe they are too busy.

Finally, a sixth cause of loneliness is the actual lack of face-to-face, tactile, human contact. In Southern California, we may spend hours on the freeways in our own isolation booths. Although surrounded by thousands of people, we are cut-off from them by our steel and glass cages. Detached from a sense of humanity, we are more likely to honk our horns or get angry with the actions of other drivers, because there is no personal connection. It is always interesting to me what happens when there is a major delay due to a huge accident, or something else that may last several hours. Often people get out of their cars and begin to talk to each other. They may actually feel some connection with fellow drivers for that moment, because everyone is sharing the same difficulty.

Technology also reduces a lot of our face-to-face interaction, and even our voice connections. Progressively more we us emails and text messages in place of visits and phone calls with each other. Businesses use video-conferencing in place of actually bringing people together face to face where we can actually shake each other’s hands and look into each other’s eyes or share a meal together.

I was recently speaking with someone in their eighties, who blamed part of our isolation on the invention of air conditioning. Before air conditioning, houses had porches with swings that people would sit on for hours in the Summer and Fall. Neighbors would walk by and say hello, and people in the neighborhoods all got to know each other. Some neighbors would become best friends, and their kids would play together outside, while the adults visited on the porch or in the back yard. Today, we all scurry into our air-conditioned houses to stay cool. Kids spend hours alone playing video games or other activities on their computers. They text each other in place of getting together in person. Adults sit and watch TV, which they object to having interrupted by conversation. We jump into our cars to drive a few blocks, because the car is air-conditioned and cool. Perhaps there is a point here.

III. The Purpose of Our Loneliness

We have talked about what loneliness is and some of the possible causes. So what does a lonely person do? Often when someone feels lonely, the first response is to try to fill the void with such activities such as calling someone, going to a movie or going shopping. While this can help us to feel better for the moment, often the feelings of loneliness return as soon as the activity is completed.

For most of us, loneliness is seen as something to be gotten rid of as quickly as possible. Like with all “negative” emotions, we Americans want quick solutions to help us feel immediate relief. It is important to realize that the Lord has given us all of our emotions for a reason. Author and missionary Elizabeth Elliot states: “In the wilderness of loneliness we are terribly vulnerable. What we want is OUT, and sometimes there appear to be some easy ways to get there. Will we take Satan up on his offers, satisfy our desires in ways never designed by God, seek security outside of His Holy will? If we do, we may find some measure of happiness, but not the lasting joy our Heavenly Father wants us to have. We will “gain the world” but we will lose our souls.” (The Path of Loneliness, 1998.)

Often loneliness is the emotion the Lord uses to get us to come closer to Him. He also uses it to have us look more deeply into ourselves. This can be an opportunity to be still and hear what God has to say to us. We can look more clearly at our own lives to see where we are putting our time and energy and what is the true cause of our loneliness. This is difficult, but necessary if we are going to turn our times of loneliness into times of solitude.

Consider the first thing that happened to Jesus after he was baptized by John the Baptist and the Holy Spirit entered him. No sooner had God announced “This is my Son in whom I am well pleased,” then the Holy Spirit drove him into the wilderness. Now why on earth would God drive His beloved Son into the desert to be alone 40 days and 40 nights, with only Satan’s temptations? Elizabeth Elliot says in her book “The Path to Loneliness” “It was immediately after his baptism when it would seem He was already to begin His public ministry. Instead of [going] to Jerusalem where he would be able to reach crowds, The Spirit of God led him straight to a place where there was nobody—a wilderness—for the express purpose of being put to the test. The test came as an encounter with Satan. And so it does with us.” (Revell publishing, 1998, 2004.)

What do you suppose Jesus was doing there as He fasted in preparation for Satan’s testing? I believe He spent most of His time is prayer and meditation; communing with His Father to give him strength knowledge and wisdom to face the trial of being tempted. So why would we think that we would not also be asked to be alone in the wilderness at certain times in our lives? Just as with Jesus, the Lord sends us to the desert to discover Him and to get in touch with the Holy Spirit inside of us as well.

IV. Loneliness Versus Solitude

Loneliness is feeling the lack of certain things in our life, while solitude is feeling fulfilled whether or not we are alone. Poet and novelist May Sarton said “Loneliness is the absence of self; while solitude is the fullness of self.” We often think that both require that we be alone, but actually neither one does. It is easier to find solitude when alone, especially away somewhere, out in nature or in a Holy place, but certainly not necessary. Both loneliness and solitude are about our state of mind more than our state of being. They are about our internal self, not our external one. Until we can be at peace with the truth of our being, we cannot fill the void which loneliness makes us aware of.
Paul Tillich in his book the Eternal Now” states that “Loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude. We have a natural desire for solitude because we are men. We want to feel what we are -- namely, alone -- not in pain and horror, but with joy and courage. There are many ways in which solitude can be sought and experienced. And each way can be called "religious," if it is true, as one philosopher said, that "religion is what a man does with his solitariness."
Author Tim Hansel in his book “Through the Wilderness of Loneliness” says “We go into our interior wilderness in order to learn, to discover how to grow. We never know what will happen…When it comes to the wilderness of the heart, we must likewise expect the unexpected. The dark feelings have something to teach [us] which [we] can learn no other way. I must open up to all God wants to teach me.”

Often times people who are lonely look to external sources to cure their emptiness. They wait for someone to call, come by, or write. They may place expectations on others and become upset when they are not fulfilled. Even if they are willing to take action to change the situation, often the action is focused outward onto others; such as calling someone, going somewhere or doing something. Action that is not based on true inner needs, however, is likely not to help, or to only help for a short while. Soon the person is likely to again return to the same feelings of loneliness.

People who are trying to help others who are lonely will often make suggestions or give advice about such actions. “Go to church” they might say or “Just get out and do something, you will feel better.” But just “feeling better” for the moment will not help the person sustain a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. There are some steps that the lonely person can take however.

V. Four Important Steps to Changing Loneliness into Solitude

First the lonely person must do some self-examination and enter into a state of stillness and two way prayer, listening for what God has to say. For most people in our culture this is very difficult to do. In fact, we don’t generally even want to do this. When we are still, all of our emotions tend to intensify, and many people intentionally avoid this so as not to feel sad. But until we are able to get to a place of being very honest with ourselves about what is going on in our life, we cannot move forward to grow spiritually and make lasting changes. Sometimes journaling or something like Pastoral Counseling or Spiritual Direction may help us to explore what is on the inside.

The second step to entering into solitude is entering into honest prayer with the Lord. When we go to spend time with God, we must be prepared to speak to Him openly. I find it interesting how often we don’t tell God the whole truth about what is going on, even though we know that He knows already. I think it is because we have not yet admitted it to ourselves. When we can go to the Lord and cry out in our pain, we can enter into a true relationship with Him. We need to ask Him for what we think we need and ask Him for an answer or a sign to guide us. Until we can have this kind of honesty in our relationship with the Lord, we cannot hope to have it with others.

Our third step is to listen for God’s direction. When we open our heart fully to the Lord and ask for his guidance, He will answer! The Lord speaks to us in different ways according to how we are most likely to hear Him. He may use scripture, nature, sermons, music, other people, our thoughts or a whole host of other methods to communicate His message. Years ago a close Christian friend of mine lamented that she never heard God speak to her, as she knew I was often saying He had done with me. She asked me how and when He spoke to me. As I shared the many ways God communicated to me, she said “Oh, I see. I thought you actually heard His voice out loud!” As we talked more, she realized that God was speaking to her all the time, but not the way she had expected.

The fourth step is our obedience to follow what the Lord leads us to do next, even when it is not what we think we need. As we yield to His guidance, He will give us the true desires of our hearts. Letting go of our image of His answer is needed in order for Him to bring us what He has planned all along. This is often not what we think we have been longing for. For, while we may picture the answer to our loneliness to be a spouse, a best friend or a neighbor who is always there, God’s answer may not come in this manner. He may urge us to take action, to reach out to others, to pray for others or to go somewhere that we can meet more people. His guidance will be based on His knowing our true need.

For some of us what we may need most is less action, to be around fewer people, to do less. For others it may be the opposite. As we seek His direction, our heart will be pulled towards the true answer to what we need to do about our loneliness. He may send us a spiritual friend to pray with or a companion, but only if that is what we truly need. Sometimes He may ask us just to remain alone in our loneliness for a time, so that we are drawn closer to Him.

Although we may still find ourselves alone after following what the Lord tells us to do, when we listen to His direction we can enter into a deeper relationship with Him, that allows us to feel a calm solitude in place of the desperateness of feeling lonely. This does not mean we will never feel lonely again, but it helps us to understand the purpose of our loneliness. When we realize that loneliness is a universal feeling and one that God uses to get our attention, we can be less inclined to deny its pain or bury it deep below the surface. Instead we can set aside the time we need to look directly at what is happening in our lives to bring about our loneliness.